The Girl

She smiles.

She laughs.  

She talks. 

She never cries.

But sometimes late at night

When the world has sunk back into darkness

And she is left alone with her thoughts

The dark part of her comes out.

Her angels disappear

And she is consumed by emotions too great to comprehend.

She doesn’t recognize herself in the mirror... 

The blank eyes

The sad eyes

Hidden by a veil of happiness

The mascara lines in the morning as she drags herself out of bed 

The only reminder of the tears with which she cried herself to sleep.

And some nights she doesn’t cry.

Some nights she’s too numb to feel what she wants to feel 

Most nights she’s too numb to feel what she wants to feel. 

So she sits up alone, watching as the world falls asleep 

Slowly...

And then all at once

Leaving her alone

But she’s always alone.

She always feels alone.

She always feels unwanted.

She always feels selfish for feeling unwanted.

She always feels selfish for feeling alone.

She is hurt.

She is hurting so much

She is hurting like an explosion is taking place within her 

Destroying every little piece of her

She is hurting... but she doesn’t admit it.

But her body has begun to reflect her mind

The dark place of scars and wars that cannot be won.

She used to be able to fight quietly

But her battles overflowed

They can no longer fit within her mind

So her body has become a battlefield.

At night she writes her thoughts over the scars

Alone. Stupid. Ugly. Dumb. Unwanted.

And in the morning she washes them away again

Wishing she could wash away herself.

Clear herself from the earth as easily as she cleared the words from her skin.

And she smiles.

And she laughs.

And she talks.

All while wishing she didn’t exist

All while wishing she could be the ghost of a memory

If that.

All while remembering that she can’t be herself

Because the more she’s herself the less people want to have her around.

She doesn’t fit in.

And she tells herself that she doesn’t want to fit in. 

But she does.

She wishes she did.

She’s going in circles...

And she’s getting dizzy

And she’s getting sick

And she’s getting tired

And all she wants to do is plummet off a cliff... 

Dive into an ocean...

And never resurface...

She’s drowning

No one can hear her scream.

She’s drowning

But no one can see

Because her hair doesn’t drip

Her mascara doesn’t run

Her clothes aren’t weighed down

She’s not drowning in water...

She’s drowning in her thoughts

She’s drowning in her mind

She’s drowning in her lack of a will to survive.

She tries to tell people how she’s feeling... 

What she’s thinking...

But she always feels like a burden.

She doesn’t want to be a burden anymore. 

She doesn’t want to be herself.

But she smiles.

But she laughs.

But she talks.

And she never cries...